The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love the Holidays -  I love the terrible movies, even worse commercials, carols, cookies and getting lost in the crowds at the mall. Everything feels, for one month a year, like we all have something to celebrate - whether we do it with candles and latkes or with a kringle and cocoa -  its all about miracles.

here is a list of random  moments of the last week.

• After spending countless hours trying to come up with thoughtful gifts, 7 visits from the UPS man, and 3 hours of wrapping gifts, my mom informed me there was a price limit per person. When I asked my sister when the note was sent informing us of such, her response was,"there's a price limit????" Touche mom, way to tell me when the gifts are wrapped and under the tree. We ALL know I am too lazy to return them. Oh well, at least I look like a generous idiot this year. 

• I took my dog to meet Santa and it did not go well (proof above). He dropped he on her back, then tried to pick her up- she tried to bite him, I put her on his lap, she jumped onto me. I then set her beside him, handed him the leash and ran away. the result was priceless. it should be noted that we stood in line for 90 minutes for her to stare at me standing behind the camera with pure rage in her eyes while this was taken. 

• Last night I fell asleep watching a Hallmark original Christmas film starring Haylie Duff while eating Christmas cookies. I woke up on the couch at 1AM covered in powdered sugar (which took me too long to identify) and to my dog staring at me in what I assume are her judgemental eyes. 

• this. it needs no words.  I see these trees on my way to work every day -  I love it. 

NO CATS

My mother has a close relationship with e-mail. She LOVES IT. If e-mail were a plant, she'd build a greenhouse around it and charge admission.

Take for example- this gem I got last year before Christmas (10 days prior) with no context and no previous conversations around it. I want to build a fun house around it and charge for admission. its. that. funny. Please to enjoy:

A few key things:

1. We NEVER had a conversation about Yo Yo Mah, nor his greatest hits. I even checked with the family and, nope, this is the first we have heard of it.
2. CATS????
3. When in the history of time has "straight forward. sounds like a rain stick" been something to describe a wind chime? I maintain that, "sounds like a rain stick" is not "straight forward" in this context. 
4. "PLEaSE". I mean, really?? Caps lock and my mom have a not so secret long-term affair - it began while I was in college, the very same day she met color changing formatting. 
5. She signed it twice.

I LOVE this mail. I keep it flagged for rainy days. I forward it to my sister periodically. it. is. awesome.

Yesterday my mom added to my catalogue of joy with this gem:

 Please note the following:

1. This was in reply to a thank you note I sent.
2. My mom is an English major, former legal secretary, regular corrector of grammar and editor of all things written. 
3. This was too early for the wine to be talking. 

Don't get me wrong, my mom is awesome - generous, kind, charitable, a great cook-  all good things. Its just that informal communication is not exactly her wheelhouse -  or maybe, its where she just really gets to shine in all her caps lock, non sequitur glory.

Your Nightmare in Lights - the FanGram.

Every time I enjoy a sporting event I am  always waiting for the statistically more likely sad messages on t5he JumboTron. In case your mind doesn't take you to that dark place where awkward public airing of dirty laundry is funny -  I have included below some examples that meet the 20 characters per line criteria.

[Name], this is as close to a proposal as we are ever going to get.
[Name], the baby's not yours.
[Name], lets see other people.
[Name], sorry about the rash.
[Name], actually, those pants DID make your butt look big.
[Name], I'm leaving you and taking the dog.
[Name], I hate you.
[Name], I gambled your trust fund.
[Name], I gambled your college fund.
[Name], bite me.
[Name], if the [Team Name] wins, i'll host Thanksgiving.
[Name], I hate your parents.
[Name], I think about McGyver when we make love.
[Name], your tears are a balm to my soul.
[Name], lets have a long distance relationship.
[Name], the 80s called, they want their mustache back.
[Name], lifetime villains have nothing on you.
[Name], mom and dad love me best.
[Name], your dog died- it didn't go to the "farm in the country." we lied. sorry.
[Name], sorry I said your sisters name during sex.
[Name], sorry I threw away all your baby pictures.
[Name], its not MY fault you didn't back up your hard-drive.

SWF - Jennifer Aniston and the Single Girl Dilemma

 Jennifer Ansiton announced she was engaged this week. While I am happy for ANYONE who finds true (enough to get engaged) love, the press this is getting sort of backhands the strong single woman issue.


I personally feel its perfectly acceptable to be a strong, independent, successful, passionate woman without a husband. I think its perfectly acceptable if your path (chosen or otherwise) does not include a man or children -  almost no one would disagree with me -  but the overall sentiment in this case seems to be against it. But here's the thing guys -  Jennifer Aniston is NOT in need of any pity.

Jennifer Aniston once went on a date with Jon Stewart and never called him again. Jennifer is one of the most famous and highest paid actresses of our time (8 million for Wanderlust). She once turned down a cast role on SNL for the pilot Friends. Though divorced from Brad Pitt, they still co-own a production company together. She knows Karate. She has two dogs. She actively supports 6 charities. She happens to also be single.

If all you knew about her before was that she is childless, and once got cheated on by current mountain man Brad Pitt with Angelina "lips" Jolie -  you were mistaken. She, like all women - single, married or otherwise coupled is a layered and dynamic person with something to offer. Not having a man does not indicate something wrong with HER -  but to me, shows a resolve not to settle for anything less than someone who can love, respect, and support everything about her.

So congratulations to Justin and Jennifer. Two super-attractive people who should have a kick-ass wedding (lord knows they can afford it.) And also, she looks amazing in white.

SNAKES IN A PARK

this just made my day a little brighter.

Wenlock T. F. London???

Just remembered there is a Mascot for the Olympics. Allow me to introduce you to the actual OFFICIAL Mascot:

Attractive isn't he??

Created and designed by iris, a London-based creative agency, Wenlock and Mandeville are (apparently) two drops of steel from Bolton. Named after the Shropshire town of Much Wenlock, which held  the precursor to the Olympic games (There is still a society and some sort of games still).


There is a separate mascot for the Para-Olympics (I think they should only have one personally) this charming drop of steely determination and weirdness is Mandeville.

This year London decided to make this more like a gamer community and everyone can make their own. So, yeah - this happened:

At first, I thought, 'that is adorable' and then I realized that the OFFICAL merchandise can be customized.

Isn't the whole point of the Olympics, personal excellence uniting everyone in a glorious festival of  Abs athletic achievement? Apparently we all get to have unity under drops of steel that are not even all that unified themselves -  I find all of this sad, disheartening and super self-indulgent of our society. Not everything needs to be personalized and interactive.

Who the hell even needs a mascot??? (the implied undertone is "when you have people this attributive and incredible to look at")

But, Ugh - Challenge accepted. Allow me to introduce you to my charming contribution;  'Mande-Villian':

I won't remember these little nightmarish creatures after the 2012 games close. I'll remember the next Kari Strug, Michael Phelps (pot scandal), hot tennis player, and the next biggest underdog to achieve gold. I'll never forget the loss of the Georgian athlete at the 2010 Winter Olympics, but I sure as hell didn't remember Sumj, Quatchj and Miga.



So, London -  from now on I am going to consider this your mascot:  -  because, in the end London 2012 is proving that it is, indeed, "all about the Elizabeths"

The Bachelorette - an Island of Delusion

Delusion is not a state -  its clearly an island and every Monday night I settle myself in front of the ABC classic Bachelorette and vacation there where I watch people - compete. for. love. (Only after my 40 minute or so buffer -  because I am not a masochist)

I'm a middle child -  so I am no stranger to having to work for attention. But I don't compete for everything. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, and if someone doesn't love you- find someone else who does, or get a dog, or read a romance novel. (At the moment my dog does not love me due to a no-bark spray collar that was necessary once I became known to my neighbors and "the girl with the yappy dog", but lets not split hairs. Also - I still have my Kindle.)

But NOOOOOO, these "gentlemen" tend to shout at one another, talk about themselves incessantly (at the producers in the "confessional"), talk about the faults of others, and try to manipulate (and occasionally revere) a single mother who was widowed before she even got married. Shame. On. You. All. (Side note, dudes of America -  accept these three things -  no one wants to see a photo you took of yourself in the mirror, the 'f" word that is a derogatory term for a homosexual man is not EVER called for or acceptable, and women are perfectly capable of hating BOTH the player AND the game.)

Instead of enjoying this farce, and display of inanity and shamelessness. I watch it and squirm, shout and generally melt down. (thank god for DVRs and fast forward. How did we live before it???) But here is the thing -  I WATCH IT. I am disappointed if I miss it and in fact, I invite friends over to watch it with me.

So, you win reality TV. I may not battle for attention on a daily basis, but when push comes to shove, I'll watch your little fishbowl of insecurity and even write about it. in fact, I look forward to the shouting, tears and overly tan dudes with bad hair and their hijinks next week.

Its Monday, I'm in love?

I hate Mondays. And not for all the usual "the weekend is over reasons" mostly because Mondays are my volunteer days, and for the last 9 months about 90% of my Mondays have involved about 15 hours of pantyhose, work, being classy, and not swearing.

Its Monday, and I get to go home and make shit in sweatpants.

That may not sound like a lot of fun to most people. But I am hosting a bridal Shower together with my two most favorite people in the whole world over Memorial Day weekend. The theme? ROMANCE NOVEL AND COCKTAILS.

I love both of these things. Even more than those two things, I love getting together with my girls over cheesy anything (in this case both actual cheese and romance novel themed stuff) with cocktails. Tonight I am making:

1. Cupcake picks in the shape of hearts -  punched out of romance novel covers. 
2. decorative romance novel cover labels for favors
3. Paper chain made of romance novel covers. 
4. signs. with. glitter. 
5. a wedding cake snow globe (EEEEE!)
6.  romance novel cover (trashy) coasters
7. hot pink sanding sugar
8. drink recipe book - personalized for the lovely bride... 
9. personalized glasses
10. mason jar favor containers

I think that is it. 

But seriously you guys- its going to me amazing. Amazing not just for the day of, but because its Monday, and I get to have fun making things. Things that I can see the immediate result of.

Check out my Pinterest for more of the fun with wedding season.

I Wrote This - Read It!

Social Media and the Sales Cycle

"Social’s success formula is simple – reach users where they are with content that’s relevant to them. Yes, that content can be a tweet about the weather, or video about a cat- but it could also be a link to your site’s press release about a product roll out. Shares of your owned content will create not only buzz, but also traffic. This traffic is coming to you (pull) and seeing your site, lead form, order form, and may drive more sharing (push), more traffic (pull) and conversions ($$$). Low hanging fruit can be just as ripe, and neglecting it will leave money on the table."

They made the mistake of giving me admin rights...

I fancy myself a funny girl. I like the interwebs for that reason. Sure, most of the time I am sending my tweets into the void, and most likely not all my Facebook posts are gems, but hey internet, I showed up today. You're welcome!

This brings me to today. I recently offered to "pitch in" on my company's social media efforts and craft new collateral. They. Were. Thrilled. "Wow, thanks for taking initiative."
Allow me to illustrate what happens when you place me in charge of such things:

Company twitter today;
 "Overheard at the office; "The internet is not 100% Keyboard Cat & its more Wikipedia than Encarta 97. Its SOCIAL, not static." #SocialMedia"

(Guess who said that you guys? also, guess who posted it. Yours. Freaking. Truly.)

Also, there is the collateral:
Heading on a slide: "Let's get social"
Another heading, "Let's give them something to talk about"
Slide title of our new Deck, "Are you there Social? Its me, Traffic"
Slide title of our new Deck, "Ready, Set, DEPLOY

And also the blog posts: 
"Not to toot our own horn, (Beep! Beep!)"
"Yes. You heard me correctly"

So, yes. I hope my writing style really resonates with the interwebs, and also with our CEO who is the reviewer/recipient of all these gems. The scary thing is, the more time passes, the more bold I get with my weird little slant on things. 

Runs, Bakes, Blogs!: If you are going to have Raisin Bran for dinner......

Runs, Bakes, Blogs!: If you are going to have Raisin Bran for dinner......: I recommend sticking with white wine. Red is just too heavy. Actually, I think this rule holds true for almost all cereal, but I'll have to ...

Social or Socially AWKWARD?

Dear friends,

Congratulations on being awesome. And you are - awesome that is. But here's the thing: you are also an uncomfortable blip in my Facebook and/or twitter feed. Here's why:

1. I don't care how far you ran today. I mean, I DO care about your hobbies, I just don't need you to check in at the gym, and have your fancy Nike sync device tell me how fast/far you ran and then hear an update on how your ankles hurt. Every. Single. Day.

2. I am NOT friends with your fetus. I am also not your OBGYN. I don't need to see your pregnancy tracking app. And also, for all the mystery and beauty that is creating a life, fetuses look creepy. They just do. Please take down that ultrasound profile picture- preferably BEFORE I un-friend you. (also, I suspect you may have gotten pregnant just for the Facebook "likes")

3. Its 9 pm on a Friday night and I know what you are doing. Playing Farmville or any other series of annoying games that invade my timeline faster than I can block them (I have a windows phone, it makes it hard to block them). Stop broadcasting your sad internet issues. And also, you were invited to this party. and you chose to have a "me" party at home instead. Poor (very public) choice.

4. I am glad you love your significant other. I am also glad that you miss them when they are away at the office/on a trip/ at the store/in the other room. I get it, you are public about your affection. but this is PDA all over again, and I just want to shout "HAND CHECK" (as I do at the drive in movies). I'm not saying stop saying sweet things to each other- I'd just rather your irritating love fests happened over some sort of device that could send private messages over the internet, or phone waves... oh, wait....

5. Its great that you love life, but your inspirational quotes only inspire irritation. Also, lets not talk about how philosophical you are when you spend your time alternating between taking photos of yourself at arms length, and quoting the bible. You live in a glass house, by choice, so stop throwing your preachy stones.

This advice is on me- you are welcome!

With Annoyance,
Rachel

Are you there Internet? Its me, Rachel.

I need to burn (at least some of my) my personal life calories where my professional life is - in the social media arena.

I work in social media. This sounds, by all accounts like I am a self employed 20 something - however I am an actual professional. I spend 40+ hours a week digging into data, providing engagement recommendations, and basically being mayor of the internet (just kidding). But seriously, people pay me for this stuff, and sometimes, my friends even comment on my Facebook timeline.

Thanks for visiting my corner of the internet -  it will get more interesting over here soon!